Having Cricket was like pulling an SUV out of a Cracker Jack Box, both literally and figuratively. From the literal standpoint, well, that's just one of those "goes without saying" scenarios. Let's just leave it at that.
And then there's the figurative side. Every person in the world has had trouble, drama, and/or pain in their past. For some, it's far worse than others; maybe a tormented childhood, a horrible health issue or a history of substance abuse. Maybe by the time you have a child, you're over it all. And maybe you're not. Whatever the case may be, having a child can put your mind in a place you never knew was there before. A place of vulnerability, of re-opening old wounds, of anxiety, fear, or uncertainty. But if you're lucky, sometimes it can move past all of that and take you somewhere good. A place, in my case, of redemption.
Shit happens. All the time. That's how the saying goes, right? And you can't move through life assuming that it's only happening to you, or that it's only going to happen once. When you have a child, it's scary. You go from being so excited about all the matching, neatly-folded receiving blankets just waiting to be used to wondering why it ever even mattered what the crib bedding looked like, because she only sleeps 15 minutes at a time in her bouncy chair. You bolt upright in bed at 1:45 a.m., convinced that she has somehow tumbled out of her crib, crawled down the hallway and jumped into bed with you and that you are, in fact, laying on top of her. You are convinced that her middle-of-the-night fussiness and refusal to eat mean something's horribly wrong and you need to call 911 immediately because her skin tone is getting splotchy. Essentially, you lose your mind a little.
That part of it happens to everyone, I'm convinced. Even those of us who like to call ourselves "laid back" have those ridiculous freak-outs about the tiniest of issues. But how each new mother deals with it is where we all go our seperate ways.
Some new moms are in Terror Level Red, high-alert panic mode from day one. Every diaper change is documented, notarized, and recorded in tripliquette. These mommies call the doctor so often that the pediatrician has changed his outgoing message to, "Thank you for calling Smith Pediatrics. To have the doctor on call paged, press one. Unless this is Mrs. Stevens; Julie, if this is you calling, I am on vacation. And I no longer speak English." The cozy king-sized bed with beige Egyptian cotton sheets is no longer where this mommy sleeps; nope, a pallet on the floor of baby's room is where she spends every night for the first 6 months of life, convinced that at any given moment, her baby will simply vanish into thin air.
Then there are the mommies who throw their hands in the air at least four times a day and sigh, "I give up. Let's just call my mom." Concvinced that their maternal instinct was somehow lost in the mail, some new mothers seem to deal with the stress of new parenting by letting someone else take charge. Be it a mother, mother in law, or a nurse, these mamas prefer to let someone else show them how to take care of their new baby, because they doubt their own ability to figure it out. While baby is getting his first sponge bath from Grandma, mommy is hovering over, hands clasped and breath held. Try as they might to remain calm, these mommies are simply terrified at the prospect of screwing up their kid for life, so they sit back and let someone with more experience do it for them.
Some mothers see the new baby as an end the the life they once knew. Motherhood sounded great on paper, but in reality, it's just not their cup of tea. Baby is handed off to Daddy or Grandma, as mommy sips a mimosa and indulges in a mani/pedi. At the earliest opportunity, these mommies go out for Girl's Night and dance on top of a bar, to prove that they've still "got it." And although they like the idea of having a cute little person the dress in adorable outfits whenever the mood strikes, the nitty gritty parts of mommyhood are usually a source of irritation, stress, and frustration. For these women, "mommy" is synonymous with an exasperated "ughhh."
And then, there are a select few of us who see it completely differently than all of these women. Motherhood is our reward. Whether we come from alcoholic mothers, abusive fathers, or childhood struggles that are too terrible to mention, we've known all of our lives that parenthood is our chance to make it right. The anxiety of a new baby is a welcome change, because it's the good kind of anxiety. It's different than the kinds of stress that cause us pain, and we breathe a sigh of relief when we realize that keeping baby safe is all we have to worry about anymore. We aren't the mommies who "need a break" from baby; we're the mommies who are happiest to be with husband and child on a meandering Sunday, wandering down the aisles of a Super Walmart.
We don't want help from others; we want to be there and figure it out ourselves because every little moment, even the unpleasant ones, is like opening a birthday present. We don't want to be told how to raise our kids because we have thought about this moment in our lives for a long, long, time and we relish the opportunity to make our own decisions. So much of our pasts was out of our control, so being a good mother is our chance to be at the helm of a happy, healthy future.
Motherhood is what we've waited for for our entire lives, and it's not just about being in control, or having it our way. It's about finally taking a deep breath and realizing that everything is where it should be, and we don't need to wait anymore for the other shoe to drop. It's about being the mother to our children that our own mothers were not, and having the marriages that we never saw first hand.
It's like reaching into a Cracker Jack box, thinking you'll pull out a tiny plastic unicorn, and pulling out a brand new SUV. With built-in TVs in the headrests and Bose speakers. It's bigger and more profound than you could've imagined, and you can't believe how lucky you are. Not a day goes by that you don't ask yourself what you did to deserve something so great. And as much as everyone tries to tell you to take some time for yourself, you know in your heart that the real you is in the eyes of your child. And no one will ever be able to take it away.
No comments:
Post a Comment