Me and Cheesy Poof go waaay back. Well, let me rephrase. We've known each other for six years, but our shockingly similar misfortunes with our mothers started at birth, so there are many times when I feel like we're seperated Siamese twins. We have that kind of friendship where when something horrifyingly embarassing happens to one of us, the only person in the world we call is each other. I'm talking catastrophic, epic faux pas of the fourth kind, here, and zero judgement from either party. Think Charlotte "drinking the shower water" in Sex and The City," and you'll begin to have a grasp of the kind of things we can talk to each other about. Can and/or have.
Poof and I met at a most opportune juncture in my life. I had recently moved to a little-ish town in Southeast Missouri after spending my entire life living in Wisconsin. Slightly stir-crazy and completely unmotivated to pick a direction for my life, the most viable solution at the time seemed to wait tables until I figured it out. Poof, at the time, was a sweet, innocent little 18-year-old hostess. After discovering we shared a serendipitous love for Will and Grace, cheese, and big hair, we instantly became BFF's, and the shenanigans began.
Our love affair has grown, over time. A large of this is due to the fact that me and Cheesy Poof have the exact same sense of humor. Take, for example, the first time we saw a movie together.
Me and Poof took a wild hair across our rear ends one night to go see Anchorman in the theaters. Now, living in the semi-rural heart of the Midwest, you can imagine that any movie featuring Will Ferrell will either a) REALLY piss off a whole mess of people or b) go SWISH right over their heads, like a whipping wind. To say that we were slap in the middle of East Jesus is a gross understatement, so I fully expected that Poof would spend most of the film slumped down in her chair, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed, alternating between saying "I don't get why this is funny," and "That's just gross."
Well, you can imagine my surprise when Poof and I spent the next two hours guffawing and snorting like a couple of drunken frat boys at literally all the same places in the movie. The culmination came towards the end of the movie, during this scene that mocks the gang-fight elements of classic dramas like West Side Story and the Outsiders; various news teams assemble one at a time in preparation for an all-out anchorman brawl. When Ben Stiller jumped on screen with a Jew Fro and a face full of whiskers and shouted, "Como Esta, Beetches," me and Cheesy Poof lost our collective you-know-what and practically piddled our pants. From that point forward, we've been joined at the hip. (It should also be noted that, also from that point forward, the phrase "Como Esta, Beetches" has been added to our lexicon of Friendspeak.)
Poof is currently one of the wisest people I know, and I trust her opinion implicitly on everything from dealing with tender work situations to what color red lipstick is "in" right now. With that being said, I blame myself for Cheesy Poof's initiation into the seedy night life of the town we lived in. Many was the night that I snuck her in, under my wing, only to find her an hour later, falling off a barstool and stealing sips from strangers' drinks. She, of course, thought this was large fun; I, on the other hand, felt like the babysitter who accidentally lets the baby roll of the changing table. Indeed, so innocent was she at the beginning of our friendship that she did not understand how "that's what she said" worked. In fact, many times, she would attempt proper useage of the aforementioned phrase with a fair amount of doubt, resulting in a misplaced and timidly asked, "that's...what she said...?,"
Yep, me and Poof were peas in a pod. Bu then, after six months of single girl fun in the sticks, the chance came for me to travel home to Wisconsin to visit my family. As fate would have it, Otter and I would meet that very weekend, and thus would begin the end of mine and Poof's adventures in Bar-ville. Within six weeks of meeting Otter, I decided that no other creature on Earth would steal my heart like he had, and I hightailed it to Texas. I have been here ever since.
The funny thing is, although Poof and I have spent most of our friendship states away from each other, she has still remained the best friend I have ever had. Many is the afternoon that we can be found on our respective telephones, chattering away like two little spider monkeys for hours on end.This is the kind of friendship I hope Cricket can find in her life, because there is nothing in the world like having a friend that knows you, gets you, and loves you anyway. Loves you because of all your weirdness.
Take, for example, our typical stay-in ritual. First, we clothe ourselves in our layabout attire: stretchy pants (which is pronounced "strotchy ponts," ala Jack Black in Nacho Libre), slippers and/or thick socks and cozy sweatshirts. Then, we cover ourselves in blankets, find the perfect position on the couch, and assmeble our collection of furry four-legged friends to keep us warm; typically, Sugar and Short Bus are the two most eager to participate, for they know that snacks will undoubtedly fall into their mouths on "accident." After we are appropriately snuggled in and reclined, we commence the enjoyment of the world's perfect meal. When I say perfect, I mean PERFECT. As in, no combination of food and drink has ever proved so delicious and convenient. And when you hear what it is, you will, undoubtly, slap yourself in the forehead for not thinking of this sooner. Are you ready? This may change your life...
Red wine and Cheez Its. I'll wait for you to collect yourself, as I'm sure you have most likely fainted from the shear genius that is this snack. Are you back yet? OK.
It's PERFECT, right? Here's why- It's wine. And it's Cheez Its. The wine sort of speaks for itself, you know. A long-sipped, leisurely glass of wine enjoyed over the course of several hours is pretty dang hard to beat, in my opinion. One glass is enough, mind you. It's not like we're swimming away on a river of Merlot, here. Just one nice, slow glass. And then comes the fun part: Cheez Its. The Cheez Its play an integral role in our process, because they possess an incredible quality: they are delicious. What's not to love about a little cheesy crunch? The shape is perfect, like a tiny cheddar roofing shingle. And the little hole in the middle? What a great place to put the tip of your tongue and attempt to balance said Cheez It! Yes sirreee, the Cheez It is a most effective snack.
And because Cheesy Poof and I share this fondness, nay, obsession with our wine and Cheez Its ritual, we have been able to build upon our friendship. The time we've spent enjoying our tasty snack has made possible the endless minutia of details we've learned about each other, and has strengthened our bond in ways I cannot possibly describe in words. Milk and cookies got nothin' on this.
So as I look to the future and begin to think of what I want for Cricket, my sincere hope is that she can have a friend in her life as wonderful as her Auntie Poof. Because when you get right down to it, there's not much in life that can make you feel as good as a friend.
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