The Coffee Chronicles, Part One

I was, at one time, a dutiful employee of a major coffee chain.  And although every day had it's moments, it was, for the most part, a pretty fun job.  Every day brought in new customers, new situations.  The variety made it an interesting place to make a paycheck, and the ability to fill my hours with tasks that I could put my hands on made it a pretty sweet gig.

Working in a coffee house is similar to waiting tables, with one big exception: everyone who walks through your doors in the morning hasn't had their coffee yet.  This means that, through the course of one shift, the average barista encounters several hundred crabby, hungover, tired, pissed off people who want their drink yesterday, and will jump down some serious throat if it's not perfect.  As you can probably imagine, this gets old.  And although I myself was pretty laid back in terms of dealing with customer attitdue, I know that there are many baristas out there who were...nonplussed... by customer behavior.  So, on behalf of all of past, present, and future coffee cronies, I'd like to share with you some things you never knew, and give voice to the nameless, faceless heroes in aprons across the United States.


1.  Sometimes, if you're acting like a snot, they will write "F*CK YOU" in caramel sauce on top of your drink.  This is not done in hopes that you'll find it; rather, it's their own passive aggressive little way to tell you what they really want to say without getting fired.  It's a win/win, really; they get the benefit of speaking their minds via dessert topping, and you get to act like a brat without obvious consequence.  Simply remember that if your barista asks if you'd like a little free caramel sauce on your drink through clenched teeth, you may not want to take off your lid.  Ignorance is bliss, right?

2.  If you order a French Vanilla Cappuccino, you are correct in assuming that everyone behind the counter is laughing in you.  And why, you ask?  Because what you believe you're ordering is the powdered drink mix concoction commonly dispensed at your local 7-Eleven, rife with sugar and artificial coffee flavoring.  What you're actually ordering is a dry, lightweight drink made almost entirely of foam and espresso, with vanilla and hazlenut flavored syrup.  Simply put, if they make you what you've ordered, you won't like it.  You'll probably send it back and say it tastes gross.  So, what you'll probably receive when you order that drink is a vanilla latte, and you'll probably be none the wiser.  They would tell you that this is the drink you want to order in the future, but you probably won't pay attention, and the FVC/Vanilla Latte switch just goes without saying among coffeeshop staff.

3.  They can tell when you are watching them make your drink to be sure they're "doing it right," and it pisses them off.  You think you're being sneaky, and surreptitious.  You're really just being an idiot.  It does not go unnoticed, and it makes them feel like a fish in a bowl.  And let me just clarify something for you, to prevent you from receiving the classic "go to hell" look the next time you bar stalk: JUST BECAUSE THE BARISTA IS MAKING A DRINK DOES NOT MEAN IT'S YOURS.  You asked for no whipped cream on a medium drink, and it was written on your cup.  You, the sneaky bar snoop, spy the barista putting whipped cream in a small drink and disdainfully shout, "Excuse me, but I asked for a medium, NO WHIP."  Has it ever occurred to you that there are 30 other people who haved ordered drinks besides you in the cafe?  Is it POSSIBLE, in some small way, that the offending beverage may be someone else's?  OH!  A light bulb! 

4.  When you abbreviate the names of drinks (cap, frap) to sound hip, you sound like a dipshit.  This one requires little else in terms of explanation.  The coffee shop staff do not refer to drinks this way, and neither should you.  You are not cool just because you like coffee.  Even McDonald's is serving cappuccinos now, so the whole originality thing about being a coffee nerd is pretty much shot to shit.  Say the drinks right, and move along.

5.  If you act like a tool, they will put decaf shots in your drink.  As if you didn't know this already.  They are the almighty dispensers of caffeine, so if you cannot keep your act together, you will be punished.  This includes, but is not limited to: talking on your cell phone while you order, getting an attitude with any member of the staff, waiting in line for 20 minutes and arriving at the counter with no clue what you want to order, using the phrase "the usual" instead of ordering an actual beverage, touching the pastry case with your greasy fingers to point to the exact piece of banana loaf you want, coming in groggy and announcing you need caffeine to function, and/or handing a barista trash from your car to dispose of, because your ass was too lazy to throw it in the garbage can when you walked in.

Now, I do not write this as an attempt to educate or train people in the proper behaviors that are expected of coffee shop customers.  Stay blissfully unaware, my friends.  It is your unabashed idiotness that makes their daily jobs interesting, and provides the fodder for hours of mischievous giggles in the back room.  No, I write this for all those baristas who are too polite to go down in a blaze of glory and say out loud what they REALLY think.  For all those who remain standing after a hellacious day of standing, serving and smiling, all the while taking every ounce of attitude that's tossed their way.  For those whose aprons are drenched in spilled beverages, faithfully abstaining from vocalizing their sarcastic internal monologues, day after day.

Rachael, this one's for you.