Letter to my Cricket girl

You're everything I've ever wanted, and more.  More than I expected was possible.  More than I believed I deserved.

When you cry real tears, it takes all my strength not to cry too.  And not because I can't fix it, but because I know your little world is so small right now, and whatever is making you cry feels huge to you.  That something so simple like hunger can move you to tears moves me to tears.

When I rock you to sleep, I marvel at your lovely long eyelashes.  I think about how, when you're a teenager, you'll start wearing mascara on those very lashes.  I hope that you always believe you're beautiful, even when cruel children try to convince you you're not. 

When you stretch out, long and leisurely, I think about how your body already carries what will someday make your children.  I hope that you have them in your own time, on your terms.  When you're really 100% ready, and with someone who will be your rock.  Someone who can be for you what your father is for me.

I run my fingers through your hair, and it feels like down beneath my skin.  In a few years, we'll pull it into pigtails for you so you can see while you play.  You'll chase and play, tummy sticking out beneath your t-shirt.  With skinned knees and a bright smile, you'll run free and we'll watch, amazed at how big you've become.

A few years later, you'll curl that hair and pin it up for a dance.  A night that holds the promise and potential of a first kiss, or a real slow dance.  The first time you'll hold a boy in your arms and feel your heart beat a little faster, wondering how you lived this long without something so sweet.

And a few years after that, you'll feel the comb of a veil within it, and steady your nerves as you prepare to promise your heart to someone.  You'll wonder what he's thinking, and hope that the day doesn't fly by too fast.  You'll see your face in the mirror and feel, for the first time, like everything is as it should be.

Someday, you may realize that you do not owe a single person on this Earth a relationship with you.  Even me.  You may begin to understand that motherhood, fatherhood, friendship, every relationship in your life is a priviledge to be earned, not a right to be taken for granted.  That you are unique and beautiful, and you deserve respect and caring from the people in your life.  I pray that you do not realize this because of my personal failings.

I implore God daily to give me the qualities that will make me a good mother.  To help me do everything it takes to earn my relationship with you every day.  Know that I know how special your love is.  That I know how much honor and respect you deserve.  That I know there's only one you, one me, and one chance to get it right, and getting it right is what I want more than anything.

I love you, my sweet Cricket girl.